February 2012
27 posts
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Horoscope for the old man at Target who told me to...
As I passed you in Target you said “go to hell.” An interesting request. I smiled in return because it’s strange at Target for anyone to wish such a curious voyage on anyone else. You did not like my smile. I’m sorry if your grizzled head looked like a turkey corpse three days after thanksgiving or that your pot belly lunged so aggressively from inside your dirty shirt, but do you have to be so...
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BECAUSE I SAY IT IS
Your fifteen minutes are coming up, Andy Warhol says so. You’ll be sitting quietly alone thinking about quasars or some such, when holy moly who should appear but a whole phalanx of super rude photographers who take pictures of you every which way they can and then leave on scooters that tear up your lawn. Only then Oprah Winfrey points at you her finger pointer of doom on national television,...
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Love Language
Can’t you say just what you mean to your love interest? Apparently not. It seems that only a weird kind of poetry comes out, that you hope will be interpreted in just the wrong way. You are supposed to say, “I’m really looking forward to seeing you again tonight.” But instead you’ll say, “Right besides Gregory Corso/ is a human heart, loose of its torso,” Gregory Corso being the operative...
REMEMBER:
A willful misinterpretation of these horoscopes can add intrigue to your life.
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Time the Drowsy Kitten
Look out for a moment this week. Not your usual moment of short duration but rather, one that seems to sprawl out amongst the pine trees and kills clocks dead in their beds. Nevermind that time is always moving on like an impossibly un-weighted freight train towards its probably absurd destination, or that your life always seems to be picking up speed from one blink of spring to the next past a...
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What Your Boutique Has In-Store
Your boutique is out to get you this week. You may find yourself ambushed by curious merchandise of unprecedented quality, far more expensive than you’d like but all vying for your buying-power-alone with insidious cunning. The hair shirt is out to bring you down. “Who would wear such a thing?” You ask even as your hand reaches involuntarily for your credit card, because the shirt’s made out of...
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Bewilderness
Very possible that this week the face of someone you never knew you loved so much will become so familiar as to be completely unrecognizable. A mouth not belonging to it’s nose, and eyes foreign of their cheekbones, and a jaw line that looks as if it belonged to the flight of a downward arrow and a voice that slinks into the drowsy hollows of an unfamiliar forest, as the sun sinks low down into an...
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The Construct
After realizing that everything you’ve ever known or seen or interfaced with at all is actually a giant artificial construct meant to lull you into forgetfulness and a kind of existential stupor, you will decide to join a karate class. The repeated blows to your face and torso feel real, but aren’t the vacant cow eyes of your fellow classmates and instructor somewhat unnerving? Yes, that’s true....
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Dream Maker
If you encounter a dreamless person this week this is how you will instill a dream in their hearts. First ask them what their dreams were like before they were smashed. Then carefully extracting each crushed and mangled dream from their depiction you’ll use a normal everyday air-compressor to inflate the dream till they regain some spectral representation of their former childish glory before the...
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Havana Revelation
A once-in-a-life-time type epiphany is waiting for you in a dimly back alley bodega in Havana Cuba. After walking down the melacon and watching the crushing waves tear at the break wall as the candle lit city in its concrete grandeur echos about you, you get splashed with tears from an old man who recounts to you his hard life but also talks with great eloquence about the beauty of the State and...
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The Swamp
After trying like mad to free your X-Wing from an alligator infested swamp using only your mind, you give up on life and just eat croutons and drink kitchen wine on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond. Mercury releases Jupiter from a really loathsome task, like unclogging the astrological plumming and that means you can sit on your ass with impunity and try and forget about your X-wing in...
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Biases
You have a tendency to get into hockey brawls, outside hockey bars. You look in the mirror, suffering a swollen face the morning after as you try and remember each blow of each brawl. In your opened mouth your remaining teeth shine here and there like dull stars. Your eyes roll about their orbits like pinballs. And you don’t even care about hockey at all! It’s the thrill of the fight. And plus...
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January 2012
38 posts
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Horoscope for Shantyquarian
This week in a candle lit shack you’ll be frantically printing with an antiquated printing press the manifesto of your art shanty out-post far out on the barren wind-scoured ice. What’s that mournful sound in the distance? Only wolves howling. But here there’s a whole conclave of strange looking artists each in their very own strange looking shack, just trying to survive the ridiculous...
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Someone is Reading You
You cannot distinguish one fifteen minute block from another. Every fifteen minutes your memory goes blank and you wake into a whole new fifteen minute period. Everything that you’ve ever thought important or wanted to remember from the countless fifteen minute periods that you have lived before, has been tattooed on your body. There in your new fifteen minutes you read the notes, momentos and...
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Listening
Your talent for being a good listener is becoming a super pain in the ass. Sometimes you hear more than you should such as the neighbors next door trying like mad to break concrete or something using only their mouths it sounds, and also friends and acquaintances calling at all hours to confess their sins, both venial and mortal, told with all sorts of heart breaking detail. Larceny, adultery,...
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???
Do you feel that your life is worth it? When you think about your life cinematically, does it have a certain romantic buoyancy, or is it merely a hammer slowly thumping your head until you realize…what? Why should death so parenthesize a life? Why must it cause a life to be galvanized into the cold sixteen penny nails of: “it was all he could do,” and “she never knew her life was so fixed?” This...
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Hermeneutics
Walking in the oh-so quiet winter woods, you hear furtive noises behind you in dusky dark bracken and are afraid. Why did you come out here of all places to these forlorn haunted forests when you knew that there was a Siberian man-eating tiger at large on the loose and hungry for blood? Had you interpreted your earlier horoscopes in just the right way you might have been wiser. But you did not....
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Theory
You have the uncanny ability for sudden super-profundo intellectual contemplation even in the midst of highway traffic, the crowded breakfast café, on the sky way, or in the air traffic control tower. In a flash you’re thinking of Derridean Differance, or Hegelian Dialectics, or how irony is the main ingredient of all significance, and then sure enough you’re floating off the ground, or whoever it...
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France
You really just want to read about the good things that will happen to you. You want me to tell you that you’ll be going to France and you’ll meet someone there who will solve your difficult life. Someone who wants to see and be seen by you alone in a room overlooking the Seine. One who will be there every time you ask the hard questions and who can answer each one so unexpectedly that you will...
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One of the World's Classic Blunders
Take care this week as you climb the Cliffs of Insanity. Why are you climbing them? True Love, obviously. At the top, keep an eye out for vengeful Spaniards and overly cute giants. Be immune to iocane powder. But wait! After the love of your life has pushed you down a steep hill, she does not follow after. Apparently she no longer wants you. How very curious… You can see her smirking cruelly at...
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RYAN GOSLING: OBJECT
Ryan Gosling can be used as a punching bag for when you are mad at your dad. If you put Ryan Gosling in your passenger seat you can take the commuter lane. What about placing Ryan Gosling before an attacker? The attacker will be star struck and mesmerized by his ho-hum dopy beauty. On tumblr, photos of Ryan-as-object can ironically sublimate feminist cant. If you are lost in a cold savage...
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OCULAR SPECTACULAR
The one you love will look in your eyes and see themselves as who they’ve always wanted to be and didn’t know about until they looked in your eyes. You’ll feel the same. Each meeting of the eyes will establish all over the new you you never knew could be so bad ass. It’s as if each fiery eye connection, each lightning hot glance will hold all of the abundant world assembling power of...
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PARALLAX VIEW
You have a fundamental lack of understanding. “What’s that?” You ask. “What don’t I understand?” You’ll never know. The understanding you lack is so fundamental that it impossible for you to realize just what it is. Were someone else to see what you don’t know and explain it to you, it would be no more intelligible than ducks farting. This curious problem is called the Parallax View and Slavoj...
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THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGGING TATTOOS
You’ll see a girl with tattoos that rather absurdly transcend her body. They float behind her as she walks in the hot air of the café, billowing and expanding. They slip out from beneath her clothes and stream from the shaved sides of her head. Bits of sharpened steel grow out of her skin and on her feet are heavy boots. With her hands on the counter the tattoos pool away from her arms like hot...